Easter.

Easter. It is a day filled with hope and renewed life. It means much more to me as an adult than it ever did as a child. Growing up, Easter typically meant a "surprise" visit from the Easter bunny, huge Easter baskets with things we wanted (mini Christmas is what we called it), a checked box for attending church and little mention of Jesus. I guess my family could blame my youth for lack of memory of Jesus being trumped by Mr. Rabbit, but obviously the Rabbit was a bigger deal if I remember him more vividly. 

Actually, the words Jesus and Easter didn't  flow well together until 5 years ago. Of course by this time I had a surface understanding of how Easter and Jesus could be put in the same sentence. I understood that Jesus has died and resurrected. But there was so much I did not know. Easter of 2009 was the turning point in my life.

Anthony and I had been living in Miami for about a year and not attended church in months, maybe years. When April strolled around, we vowed to make it to church on Easter Day (because going any other Sunday would have been blasphemous and waiting for Christmas was just too much waiting.) When we arrived at the church we were lost (literally and spiritually); it seemed everyone and their mother decided to make a vow along with us. We were contemplating leaving when we were asked by an sweet woman if we needed help. We told her we were new and were lost. She said "I can show you the way. Follow me." (pretty sure she was an angel). Next thing we knew we were sitting in the front row of a church we had never been to, with a woman and her family who we had never met, listening to a church service we were hoping to hear from the back of the church where we could sneak out before the service ended. Instead, the service came to an end and our new friend, whose name is Janet, invited us to have lunch with her husband and son. After lunch they all invited us back to church the following week and for the next 3 months after service Janet treated us for lunch or dinner. It was truly the first time we had ever witnessed God's love through someone. It was so genuine. 

As we got to know Janet and her family, we found out Easter Sunday was her first service back to church since overcoming cancer. This is also how we found out about Summit. Her son, Adam, had just graduated from UCF and had attended Summit. When he found out we were moving to Orlando to attend UCF he told us how great Summit had been for him and we needed to check it out. Our very first weekend in Orlando we went to Summit and never looked back. 

Fast forward 5 years and we are at Easter service with our baby boy. Our first Easter as parents. I am so thankful for Janet Batchelor. I am so thankful for her faithfulness to Christ. For taking Anthony and I under her wing even in a difficult time. I am so thankful because now we get it. We get what Jesus did for us and because of that we will be able to teach it to Max. We will be able to teach Max about a God who loves us so much He gave His one and only son to die on a cross for our sins and then on Easter, HE ROSE.  It is a truth that cannot be replaced with an story of an easter bunny or fancy basket. It is a truth that restores lives and gives hope. 

Happy Easter. He is Risen.

Beach Baptism Pictures!

"Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins.” Acts 2:38

Thank you to the most amazing group of people ever. I love you all.

Baptism

Through Summit Church, Jesus, has changed my life. He has rocked my world. He has made me new.

This Sunday, April 7th, I am going to be baptized. Not for the first time, but for the first time in this new life, as a new me. For the past, almost, 4 years, we have attended Summit and slowly my life has been changing. It HAS been a slow process, but a process that has filled my life with great joy. I have learned that we love a great God, a God full of mercy, grace and never ending love for me. Yes, me a sinner, a broken, shattered, human being. This realization is incredible. For the first time in my life I have learned to turn to God at my weakest moments. I have learned no matter how 'dark' or 'lonely' I feel in my sinfulness, He loves me. It is a humbling feeling. Recognizing I must set my desire for control, my desire to pull away, my pride, all of it aside for God because He loves me and he wants me to seek Him. This truth has filled so many voids in my heart. Many voids which before I tried filling with earthly things. I realize the only thing that fills me up is Him, His Word, and the Holy Spirit.

God is definitely worthy of all the praise in my life. Even through all the suffering in my life, I know God is there, He will always be there. I never have to fill my self with things, just Him. He never sinned, but yet he gave his live on the cross for me and for you. Now that is something worth giving my life for over and over again.

Away with the old me and on with the new me.

Just recently, Summit suffered the loss of Isaac, our pastor. He resigned, just like that. It was hard to process and it broke the hearts of many. We are still seeing the damage of what the sin of one has done to so many. But the truth is...I am walking proof of God's love and work at Summit. My life in the past few years has been transformed.

July 25, 2009 we attended our first Summit service. The connection was instant; we fell in love. It was the first time in our relationship we had found a church we genuinely liked and wanted to be a part of. In November of 2009 we sat on a service about going to Africa. Something tugged my heart that day and in March of 2010 I went on my first missions trip ever. I didn't understand Jesus, and what he did for us, but through that trip I saw a glimpse of what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ. I want to live it. Seek it, but instead I fell back to the same things.

I remember there were points where I felt I lived a double life. In front of people at church I tried to "have it together," but I really didn't. On nights out with friends, I drank more than I should have, I used profanity more than I should have, I fought with Anthony more than I should have, I never read the bible outside of Sunday, I never prayed unless I needed something, it was awful.

In the fall of 2010 we were asked to join a bible study with The Drakes's, The Parker's, The Petersen's and The William's. We were the only couple without children, the only couple newly married (everyone else has been married over 10 years), the only couple without real jobs, we were the definite odd couple out, but some how we were wanted. These couples poured so much time and love into our lives. Anthony and I found ourselves changing, not drastically, but more than we had ever before. Little by little our hearts started to changed. Both Anthony and I recognized the changed that needed to take place and we were hungry for it. This group met for 18 months and by the end of this process we had changed drastically. 

In February of this year, we joined our new Summit Connect group (totally by the grace of God.)  I have never been challenged as much as I have in my life. These 9 people inspire Anthony and I. They make us want to be better people and better spouses. For the first time I was being transparent about who I was and who I had been. And for the first time I felt understood and loved, not judged and unwanted. For the first time I didn't feel like a fraud. The chains of my sins have been cut off and I feel free of the guilt that my past had casted in my heart. For the first time I understand what Christ did for me (and you) when he died on the cross. 

I am so thankful for my Summit Church family. If it wasn't for them I would still be living in fear of being neglected and abandoned, feeling unworthy and unloved. This church has taught me about the love of God and that we are all sinners, yet, God sent his one and only son to die on the cross for us. To take my sins away and make me new. And by understanding the immense sacrifice Jesus made for us, I am not led to sin more and try to use a "get out of jail card," instead it has led me to want to be better, to love better, and to live my life for Him.

Three years ago I would have never written a blog like this, 1 year ago I wouldn't have written this kind of blog either. Knowing me a year ago, I would have been too worried about what others, friends and family, would think of me. I would have been worried about not being perfect. But that has changed. What I didn't know then is that people who believe in Jesus aren't perfect (I really thought I had to be perfect to be loved by Jesus.) People who believe in Jesus strive to be better people because they know they are loved. Even if they were neglected at one point in their lives they realize that they indeed never were rejected or neglected because Jesus was always there. And that truth is so filling. I know I will never feel neglected or abandoned because I have a God who loves me unconditionally always and forever.

Last year was a great year of growth for Anthony and I. And this year has been off to a great start. Anthony and I are spending so much more time praying, reading marriage books, reading the bible and simply seeking God more. We have a clear understanding that we aren't perfect and if we seek perfection in each other we will never be happy in our marriage. We are trusting in God in ways that I didn't even know possible. For the first time in my life I truly feel God's presence in my life and in my heart. 

New years life style.

Last year I would have told you that I had a few new years resolutions, which I did, but they didn't really work out. Honestly, I can't even begin to tell you what they were; so much for resolutions, huh? This year as I was evaluating my life, I realized the reason last years resolution did not work out...they were vain.  Yeah, vain as in full of vanity. Although I cannot remember all of my resolutions I am pretty sure one of them had to do with me loosing weight and being skinny and the rest followed suit. I am not saying there is anything wrong with me loosing weight to be skinny. It is the fact that I wasn't doing it for health or for Anthony or for how I felt, but for vanity, for what my friends would think, for how I would look in this kind of clothes as oppose to others. My resolutions were very self absorbed.

As I reflected more and more on this and my understanding of how self absorbed my resolutions were, I can't help but feel happy. I am happy I have come so far. Far enough that this year one of my resolutions is to be healthy with my food choices and in turn get in shape, but not for what my friends will think or to be stick skinny or to look good in certain clothes, but for me and for my husband and for my health. I know to some of you it may not be different, but my mindset on being healthy is different than last years. 

Getting healthy isn't my only resolution, or better said, my goal for 2013. I have a few. First and first most, I want to read the New Testament. Second, when I read the Word I want to be able to spend time soaking it in and journaling about it. This is something I have had a heart for, but have never done it, not sure why. Third, I want to be an honoring wife to Anthony, a wife who remembers that her husband is not God therefore not perfect and he will let me down, but I will continue to love him the same way Jesus has continued to love me. Which leads me to my fourth resolution, to love people like Jesus loves me. Not hypocritically or selfishly, but humbly because at the end of the day we are all broken beings with the need of forgiveness and grace of our loving father. 

A new you...

Read this in my devotional this morning and it really hit me. Mind you, I return my cart always, i find it interesting that we do compare our level of holiness to others. This hit home for me because Our standard is Jesus, not the person we decide to compare ourself to.

"Obey God in every little thing, and you will enjoy an excellent life. Be diligent in your obedience. Learn to live your life before God and not before man. Go the extra mile and do all the little things that God tells you to do, even though nobody else may ever know. Put your grocery cart back in the stall where it belongs instead of leaving it out in the middle of the parking lot. Why? Because the owner of the property has put up a sign saying, "Please return carts here," and God has said to submit to authority (SEE TITUS 3:1). 

The flesh says, "Well, everybody else leaves their carts everywhere; why should I put mine up?" Because our standard is not others - our standard is Jesus. When I compare myself to everybody else, I don't look too bad. But if I compare myself to Jesus, I am humbled and ask God to help me! Until Jesus comes to get us, we need to compare ourselves to Him and the standard of holiness that He holds up for our lives. 

From the book New Day, New You by Joyce Meyer. Copyright 2007 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

Back2School

No one teacher becomes a teacher for the money. Most teachers become educators for the sake of changing the life of a child, having a similar schedule as their children, or the benefits --yes, you guessed it-- the summer and holidays off! I could honestly say I became a teacher for all three of those reasons. Summer off played a big part in my decision, but deep down I wanted to make a change in the life of a child. Watching movies like: Stand and Deliver, Freedom Writers, Dead Poets Society, and Mona Lisa Smiles-- yes, that was an inspirational movie-- inspired me to become a teacher and change a life or two.

This is my first week of my second year of teaching and by Friday I was feeling uninspired. I am the only ESE teacher left from the four who worked with me last year. I was a little nervous going back to work and being the "veteran" of the crew. I still have so much to learn and I felt overwhelmed, but when I saw my schedule I felt a lot better because I was going to be working with 19 eighth graders. I felt confident because I knew them and because I knew them, I felt like they would be inclined to listen to me. Well, I wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't great either.

All of my students have a specific learning disability, but I also teach at a school that is in a low socio-economic area. Basically a lot of them don't have a lot of guidance at home and are really unmotivated about school. Many of them feel as if no one cares about them, their future or their education, so they have stopped caring as well.

But anyway, by Wednesday, I felt frustrated and unmotivated to be in the classroom. Friday, as I stood at the front of a classroom filled with eighth graders half asleep and barely listening, I began to feel defeated. As I was trying to explain something important, one student interrupted by pointing to another students leg and asking why his hair was so hairy. I know, it's silly. Thinking back to the moment, I laugh, but at that exact moment it had the opposite effect.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a minute. I felt a waterfall coming, so I breathed in and out for about 10 seconds to prevent the dam from breaking. During those 10 seconds, I honestly felt sick to my core. I just wanted to yell, not at them, but into the air. I wanted to explode in frustration, but instead I opened my eyes and found 36 pairs of eyes looking at me, waiting for me to yell at them. I said something like this; I am hurt. I come to work every day and want to make a difference in your lives. I worry about each and everyone of you, if you will make it out of middle school and then high school. I worry about your grade in math and I worry about your grade in science. I am here for you. I come to work and give you all 100% of me and I expect you all to do the same. I am constantly think of you all. I talk about you all to my husband and the potential that some of you have to become great. I understand if you have people at home who don't care about you or your education, I've been there, but just know that I care and I believe in each and every single one of you, truly.

After I said these things, I cried, in front of a room filled with 14-16 year old kids. I know a lot of you are thinking I am crazy for doing it, but in a way, it was so important for that to happen. A lot of them were shocked and a lot of them looked embarrassed, but you have no idea how hard they worked for me when I came into their classes. Some of them came and hugged me and said sorry for letting me down, but they were going to try their best. Some even said, "thank you for saying that, Mrs. Carbon." It was great.

Some of these kids don't have people in their lives who give a crap about them. They come to school as a get away from the crazy life they have at home, not to educate themselves. But how do we stop this vicious cycle? A cycle where they grow up and become the stereo type because no one told them that they were important. Where instead of setting themselves up for success they set themselves up for failure. Because even us, as teachers, at one point or another have lost hope in their future. It is sad. I have students who are 15-16 and in 8th grade. The likeness of them graduating from high school is 1%. It's sad to think about. We live in a society where the media tells kids smoking pot, having guns, drinking all day and having an abundant amount of sex is the cool thing to do instead of going to school and getting an education or simply doing meaningful with their lives.

Although I teach in a public school and I can't tell the kids that they matter to God, I can definitely tell them that they matter to me. I owe it to them. I hope I can think about this on the days that I want to give up on them. They are used to that, therefore, I need to be a teacher who will continue to love on them and care for them even when they disappoint me.

Our Home

Searching, praying, praying, searching, searching and praying some more followed by lots of praying. This has been our life for the past 2 months. Searching for a place to live is extremely tiring and overwhelming. The type of process that drains you, frustrates you and makes you really CRANKY. For 2 months, Anthony and I, have been drained, frustrated, and extremely cranky, but we are finally at the end and we are relishing at the thought of moving into OUR home...our long term home.

I have been holding my breath for the past month when we made an offer on this incredible house. It's like when you eat too much and your belt is too tight and you loosen it up a little and FINALLY you are able to take a deep breath. Yeah, today, I was finally able to loosen up the belt and breathe and boy does it feel great. 

The house is beautiful and perfect for Anthony and I (and our soon to be family). It has 3 bed rooms and 2 baths, it has a 2 car garage, a perfect kitchen with brand new appliances and a cute backyard. It really has everything we need. We cannot wait until we move in and have people over. Just knowing that we will be able to serve others in our home excited us....just can't wait!

Thank you to all our dear friends who prayed with us through this process and thank you all the amazing people who worked so hard to make this happen, especially Chief and Mrs. Kim. We love you guys!

Wondering......

About what the future holds for Anthony & I. We are both so close to graduating and getting back to the "real life" and not this college life; it's pretty scary. I am scared, but at the same time excited. I am ready for the next chapter in our book, to see what God has in store for us.....things like our careers, buying a house, having kids & other things we don't know....every thing so close, but yet so far. I am eager to see how our life will turn out. I am nervous and clueless about so many things, but I do know that I am falling more in love with Anthony each day. And as long as Jesus and Anthony are by my side.....everything is going to be alright!

Where it all starts...

I have decided to start a blog basically to speak my mind. By no means am I a writer, or think I am one, therefore, please don't criticize my lack of good writing and grammar :).

Today, as I was thinking of starting this blog, I was thinking of what it means to be truly happy. I always find myself wondering if happiness means the same to you as it does to me and as I think of people in my life, I come to realize that happiness has different faces, but for the most part we all get happy about the same things.

I want happiness that comes from being a follower in Christ, a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter and sister, a good in-law, simply a good person. When I think of the happiest moments in my life, I get this feeling in my stomach that I cannot control. It's the kind of feeling that eases you, yet makes you get jittery all at the same time.....simply unexplainable.

I also think back to the hapiness that filled the people in Africa, the type of happiness that comes from having faith in Christ and believing in the good of the world, eventhough you seldom experience it. Happiness that comes from seeing a child glow because you gave them a gummy bear, happiness from realizing that an iphone can hold hundreds of songs you enjoy (or seeing an iphone for the first time), happiness that comes from eating meat instead of Nzima, happiness because you see your friend learn a verse from the bible, happiness from getting a job that pays $20 a month; happiness we all take for granted. I had never experienced that type of happiness in my life; simple happiness.

I have to say, the happiest moments of my life are simply simple. I can remember these moments as if they were happening now, like, the way I looked into Anthony's watery eyes when we said our "I, do's," or the sound of the African drums, or the feeling I got when I saw the most important woman in my life after 18 years, or the way my eyes watered watching family celebrate the birth of a child, or the laughter that filled the room when catching up with friends, or the reconciliation of a friendship I thought was lost forever, or the taste of the best darn philly cheese steak in the world, or the buzzer going off in your ear because you said one the taboo words, or the sound oof people praying around you, for you, or the day I got to make green eggs and ham for my students....even the days when there is utter silence and I find peace in my heart.

Those are the moments I treasure and those are the days that keep me going. My happiness is not defined by a big house, a nice car, and a lot of money, it's simply made up of simplicity.