Back2School

No one teacher becomes a teacher for the money. Most teachers become educators for the sake of changing the life of a child, having a similar schedule as their children, or the benefits --yes, you guessed it-- the summer and holidays off! I could honestly say I became a teacher for all three of those reasons. Summer off played a big part in my decision, but deep down I wanted to make a change in the life of a child. Watching movies like: Stand and Deliver, Freedom Writers, Dead Poets Society, and Mona Lisa Smiles-- yes, that was an inspirational movie-- inspired me to become a teacher and change a life or two.

This is my first week of my second year of teaching and by Friday I was feeling uninspired. I am the only ESE teacher left from the four who worked with me last year. I was a little nervous going back to work and being the "veteran" of the crew. I still have so much to learn and I felt overwhelmed, but when I saw my schedule I felt a lot better because I was going to be working with 19 eighth graders. I felt confident because I knew them and because I knew them, I felt like they would be inclined to listen to me. Well, I wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't great either.

All of my students have a specific learning disability, but I also teach at a school that is in a low socio-economic area. Basically a lot of them don't have a lot of guidance at home and are really unmotivated about school. Many of them feel as if no one cares about them, their future or their education, so they have stopped caring as well.

But anyway, by Wednesday, I felt frustrated and unmotivated to be in the classroom. Friday, as I stood at the front of a classroom filled with eighth graders half asleep and barely listening, I began to feel defeated. As I was trying to explain something important, one student interrupted by pointing to another students leg and asking why his hair was so hairy. I know, it's silly. Thinking back to the moment, I laugh, but at that exact moment it had the opposite effect.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a minute. I felt a waterfall coming, so I breathed in and out for about 10 seconds to prevent the dam from breaking. During those 10 seconds, I honestly felt sick to my core. I just wanted to yell, not at them, but into the air. I wanted to explode in frustration, but instead I opened my eyes and found 36 pairs of eyes looking at me, waiting for me to yell at them. I said something like this; I am hurt. I come to work every day and want to make a difference in your lives. I worry about each and everyone of you, if you will make it out of middle school and then high school. I worry about your grade in math and I worry about your grade in science. I am here for you. I come to work and give you all 100% of me and I expect you all to do the same. I am constantly think of you all. I talk about you all to my husband and the potential that some of you have to become great. I understand if you have people at home who don't care about you or your education, I've been there, but just know that I care and I believe in each and every single one of you, truly.

After I said these things, I cried, in front of a room filled with 14-16 year old kids. I know a lot of you are thinking I am crazy for doing it, but in a way, it was so important for that to happen. A lot of them were shocked and a lot of them looked embarrassed, but you have no idea how hard they worked for me when I came into their classes. Some of them came and hugged me and said sorry for letting me down, but they were going to try their best. Some even said, "thank you for saying that, Mrs. Carbon." It was great.

Some of these kids don't have people in their lives who give a crap about them. They come to school as a get away from the crazy life they have at home, not to educate themselves. But how do we stop this vicious cycle? A cycle where they grow up and become the stereo type because no one told them that they were important. Where instead of setting themselves up for success they set themselves up for failure. Because even us, as teachers, at one point or another have lost hope in their future. It is sad. I have students who are 15-16 and in 8th grade. The likeness of them graduating from high school is 1%. It's sad to think about. We live in a society where the media tells kids smoking pot, having guns, drinking all day and having an abundant amount of sex is the cool thing to do instead of going to school and getting an education or simply doing meaningful with their lives.

Although I teach in a public school and I can't tell the kids that they matter to God, I can definitely tell them that they matter to me. I owe it to them. I hope I can think about this on the days that I want to give up on them. They are used to that, therefore, I need to be a teacher who will continue to love on them and care for them even when they disappoint me.