We are worthy

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. I even told myself I would try to at least write a post once a month in 2015. I have epically failed at one of my goals and it just February. Honestly, I don’t have an excuse for not writing. I have the time at night, but I am always consumed with how I will write it or how perfect it needs to be that I often quit before I even start. So before you read any further, I just want you all to know this one isn't for those English grammar freaks, anyway, you should know English is not my first language, ha.  

Our pastor, Zach Van Dyke, has been going through the 3 parables found in Luke 15 for the past two Sundays. Last Sunday he spoke about the pharisees who grumble about Jesus eating with tax collectors. As we all know the pharisees were the most religious of the religious, yet they questioned Jesus for loving sinners. Zach asked the congregation what are we, as believers who know Christ, doing for the million plus non-Christians in Orlando. Do we think non-Christians are too far from the love of God? Are we like the Pharisees? When he asked that question my first thought was…absolutely not. I love people well, I accept people, and I have many non-Christian friends who I hang out with. But I had never thought of how Pharisaical  I actually am….how I do worry about what my non-Christian friends will think of me if I were to say Jesus is my Lord and Savior. How I refrain to give him all the glory for the miracles that have taken place in my life. How, at times, I have not shared the gospel with someone because I thought they were too far gone and what difference would it make. I felt convicted instantly. I haven't stopped thinking of those words. I used to be the person who seemed far too gone to receive God's love. I am 100% sure, on paper, I fit all the qualification for a person who was far too gone for the grace of God. What if those around me, who poured endlessly, would have turned their backs on me or never shared the Word with me? What if they had thought I was TOO far gone to be saved? I am just like the Pharisees. I have thought long and hard about what I could do to change my heart? Well for starters I need to stop underestimating God's power to reach anyone and everyone; no one is too far lost or gone for the grace of God. I can share the miracles in my own life and give God the glory He deserves. I also need to stop being silent about God. I need to speak up and not be fearful. Like Zach stated in his sermon, I am so glad God's mission is about seeking the lost. 

This life

This past week has been difficult. 

Anthony and I had a miscarriage last Friday. I was only a few weeks along and it was early, but we were on cloud nine. When we decided to adopt Max we did it because we felt God clearly told us to, not because we had experienced difficulties conceiving. Even then we spoke of the need orphaned children face and how we would adopt again. But in the recent months we felt trying for a biological child was what we wanted. So when we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic and felt God answered our prayers. After spending my entire Friday in the ER in excruciating pain, wondering why God would give us such a gift and quickly take it away, I felt confused- I still do to a certain extent. At the same time I can't help but feel thankful to God for Max. I'm so grateful I get to be his mom. I know we will be able to have another child maybe right now just isn't the time.

Tuesday, as we were slowly getting back in routine, I received a phone call saying my mom was in the ICU. Her Alzheimer's much worse. She developed pneumonia after a bad cold which has led to a septic shock and now her organs are infected. On Wednesday my family agreed to take her off the breathing machine; we prepared ourselves for her to die shortly after, even said our good byes. But she hasn't. Instead she's fighting to stay alive as her organs slowly die inside. My emotions are at a peak. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I find myself wondering what's God purpose in keeping her, especially in the pain and agony, but I don't want to wonder I just want to trust and do it wholeheartedly. 

I share this for many reasons, one for prayer because I believe it is powerful; I need it, so does my family. Two because sometimes we think we are suffering alone in this world and social media plays a huge part in making it seem like everyone's life is so idyllic. Social media is a place where people don't typically share the crappy stuff in their life. For the most part people only share the goodness in their life (I'm guilty of it) because who wants to feel exposed, judged, pitied, or vulnerable. And lastly because I am prideful and I hate asking for help because I feel like a burden on people if I ask for help. Please pray for my family and please pray for me.