Change

Waking up during the night has never been a concern; typically I'm the type of person who waits as long as possible to get up to use the bathroom. I am pretty sure when my head hits the pillow I die until my alarm goes off which of course is set thirty minutes before I have to wake up so I can lay in bed as long as possible. Now-a-days I wake up various times during the night and I'm usually up before my alarm, which I never turned off, rings. I even have a routine I follow every night and every morning. To make my life easier I leave the bottles, formula and water bottle (because we can’t use tap water) by my bed side. As soon as I hear Max start to wiggle or make a noise, I look at my clock to make sure it's around his feeding time and I start making the bottles. I do this in the dark (that's the laziness still wanting to stay alive) sometimes missing the small bottle opening, which really isn’t small at all, but in the darkness it feels like I am pouring powder through the eye of a needle. I usually get water or formula all over myself. One day, I had gone about my own business eating breakfast, talking with people because you all know I do that well, went upstairs and when I looked in the mirror I had dried up formula powder on my cheek and my eyebrow. I was so embarrassed. Things have definitely changed in the last few weeks. I genuinely don’t know how single mothers do it, more power to them, because I definitely can’t do this mother thing alone. During the first week Anthony was here he would make the bottles for Max while I soothed him and calmed him down. It has been difficult to do it all alone.

The biggest change these last few weeks has been not waking up next to Anthony. I miss seeing his face every morning when I wake up. But the hardest part is being alone in a new place, as a new mom without my  best friend. Our third wedding anniversary has come and gone. It was by far the most difficult day of this trip. Just when I thought I loved Anthony as much as I could imagine, Max came into our lives. What a wonderful three year anniversary this gift has been for us. Anthony is an incredible man. I'm not an easy person to love by any means and it is effortless for Anthony. I even struggle loving myself at times. So to Anthony, thank you for loving me unconditionally and for believing in me. You have loved me even when I didn't love myself and for that I am so thankful. You are my everything. The love I feel for you is one that moves mountains and I know Max will always have love from the best daddy in the world. I love you!!