This life

This past week has been difficult. 

Anthony and I had a miscarriage last Friday. I was only a few weeks along and it was early, but we were on cloud nine. When we decided to adopt Max we did it because we felt God clearly told us to, not because we had experienced difficulties conceiving. Even then we spoke of the need orphaned children face and how we would adopt again. But in the recent months we felt trying for a biological child was what we wanted. So when we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic and felt God answered our prayers. After spending my entire Friday in the ER in excruciating pain, wondering why God would give us such a gift and quickly take it away, I felt confused- I still do to a certain extent. At the same time I can't help but feel thankful to God for Max. I'm so grateful I get to be his mom. I know we will be able to have another child maybe right now just isn't the time.

Tuesday, as we were slowly getting back in routine, I received a phone call saying my mom was in the ICU. Her Alzheimer's much worse. She developed pneumonia after a bad cold which has led to a septic shock and now her organs are infected. On Wednesday my family agreed to take her off the breathing machine; we prepared ourselves for her to die shortly after, even said our good byes. But she hasn't. Instead she's fighting to stay alive as her organs slowly die inside. My emotions are at a peak. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I find myself wondering what's God purpose in keeping her, especially in the pain and agony, but I don't want to wonder I just want to trust and do it wholeheartedly. 

I share this for many reasons, one for prayer because I believe it is powerful; I need it, so does my family. Two because sometimes we think we are suffering alone in this world and social media plays a huge part in making it seem like everyone's life is so idyllic. Social media is a place where people don't typically share the crappy stuff in their life. For the most part people only share the goodness in their life (I'm guilty of it) because who wants to feel exposed, judged, pitied, or vulnerable. And lastly because I am prideful and I hate asking for help because I feel like a burden on people if I ask for help. Please pray for my family and please pray for me.